thursday

body so sore from last two days..body combat and body pump really work..i can feel all my muscles today... but it is a good ache...had a good cuddle session with hubby last night while watching clean house...i do believe he is truly sorry that he hurt me, and he wants to have a good honest relationship with me. i am trying to work toward a future. baby steps..one day at time

rain

i truly love the rain. sounds so soothing on my rooftop..and washes everything clean...all the plants in my garden look greener and fresher after the rain..maybe i should go dance in the rain....

fairytale

once upon a time there was a man in love with a woman. he wrote her poetry, and made her his world. she felt loved and safe and happy. but somehow over their 12 years of marriage he drifted away..he began to crack the bonds of love and trust. one incident at a time, eroding all the good between them , until all that was left was hurt and anger and resentment....now the fairytale is over and their love is shattered..how do they find the pieces and make it whole again...where is the man she fell in love with...how do you build a future from the ashes..maybe i should ask the pheonix....

rambling

i am not a poet, although i have been known to spin a verse or two..i am not a great writer, just a maker of simple sentences. a woman lost in the hurt and anger and betrayal..trying to find a way back to my life. using this blog as a way to rant and rave and sort out the messy knot of feelings in my soul. it has been a little over a month since i found out the my best friend cynthia and my husband were fooling around behind my back..and lying to me since june of last year. and now looking back..all the signs were there..i just ignored them because i trusted them both..i feel like an idiot..some days i truly hate her...and some days i feel sorry for her..i tried to help her get back on track.. and this is how she pays me back. when i first met cynthia she was a great mom, wife , person...this last year and half has seen a fall into an alcoholic haze from which she can't see the destruction she has wrought in her own family and in mine...even after i found out with irrefutable written proof from her own hand..her response was .."why are you upset you only lost a husband..i am losing everything" and somehow she now believes that i ruined her life because i told her husband...she is the one who came onto my husband..kissing him and shoving her hand down his pants...she knew what she was doing..and how much this would hurt me..and as for my husband, he should have walked away..he should have told me the first time it happened...i dont know if i can ever trust him again. we are trying therapy..but i am just so hurt and angry..its hard to see the future right now.

good morning ..it's tuesday..working out with cheri today, a little body combat for the soul. then off to my real job. girls have play practice today and then karate for sarah. hopefully i will get some sewing done on john's tux for prom. therapy went well yesterday, i think we covered some good ground. hopefully peter was really listening and can bring some new things into our relationship. we need to find a new way of relating with each other because obviously the old way was not working. no crappy dreams about cynthia the lying whore last night ..but still didn't sleep well. i wish there was a delete button for real life so i could make her disappear.

just wondering

why would you buy me gifts to show your love, when i have said i don't want things. surprise me with a clean kitchen, or let me have the remote for the evening and watch my shows with me...help me with day to day stuff so i can relax with you..come find me and talk to me about your dreams..instead of me always seeking you out..show me in a thousand little ways that i am important to you...be honest with me..i would rather be hurt by the truth..than strung along with a lie. stand beside me when i need you.. and even when i don't...make me feel special with your words, touch , and actions...

monday

it's monday morning..strange surreal dreams last night..feeling a bit optimistic today. heading out to work, then counseling with the hubby, then home to work on the prom tux...trying to focus on being happy today.

how do i forgive someone who has lied to me, and hurt me deeply? how do i move on from betrayal by those closest to me? how can i learn to trust again? how do i let go of the anger and lust for revenge? some days i wish her the best, a stint in rehab for her drinking problem, and i hope she gets it all together for the sake of her family...and some days i hope she falls flat on her face and her marriage falls apart and she is left with nothing...she was my best friend, and she deliberately seduced my husband more than once, and he didn't have sense enough to walk away...and right now i hate them both...her most of all...and she is still lying ...to her self and others...and i am just trying to exist in a world that no longer makes sense.