Realization

You spent years telling me how I felt and what I thought ... 95 percent of the time you were wrong , but you never believed it . So irrefutabley certain of your rightness .. Blind to everything else. It's like all those years you didn't know me .. I was a projection of what you thought I should be . Shaking off the dusty layers and spreading my wings feels amazing 

sometimes those who wander are lost

have you ever woken up one day and felt surreal , like you were living in a salvador dali painting.
just slightly out of phase with the rest of reality, your sky one shade darker .
your heart a feather weight heavier, your soul dancing lonely on the head of a pin.
outside looking in all is well..inside looking out , drifting in the eye of a hurricane
waiting to be pulled apart by the gale force winds of life.
ghosts of souls who have gone before whispering softly
i can't understand the words .
close your eyes and spin slowly into oblivion

what ever happened

intimate touch
exploring bodies
fulfilling needs
soft caresses
sighs of pleasure
time and attention
lost
what's left
unsatisfied lover
wondering
how to get it all back

ugh so done with this day !! nothing but arguments and hassle. with tomorrow being a full moon, friday the 13th , and Merc retrograde...things do not look brighter on the horizon... but at least I am on vacation for a week.

Rainy day joy

I love walking the garden in the rain. Rain refreshes and renews . Even a weary soul can be reborn in the rain . 

I am a stormed tossed ship , beaten on every side by the chaotic waves of life.  There is no land in sight.

ruminations

one day I woke up and realized that although he may know my likes and dislikes, things I am interested in , etc.....he doesn't really know my soul .... or my motivations. What he thinks are my guiding reasons..he has completely wrong. After all these years you would think he would have figured that out...but it's not the first time he has been incorrect in his assumptions. I think no matter how many years one spends with another human.. you never really know who they are in their heart. and they will always find ways to surprise you both pleasantly and unpleasantly. we are always growing and changing , always becoming... Ever since the fire...I have seen him change , a slow progression of anger and guilt ... it does not sit well in his heart. He has been feeding the wrong wolf and it grows stronger everyday. my heart hurts watching this happen and there is nothing I can do to help.  I can only pray that he finds his way back love.

taken at Schroon River in Warrensburg NY .

the power of words.

Today I mourn the passing of one of the most amazing women I have ever been blessed to meet. She encouraged every soul she met to be their best. Through the power of written word she taught us life. Bringing us new understanding and lighting the fire of knowledge in each heart she touched. Even now, with high school days far behind me, I can see her smile and the twinkle in her eye as she gently encouraged me to find my own way . She truly believed in every one of her students. She saw potential for greatness and challenged us to surpass it. She walked her talk in all aspects of her life. How do you say good bye to such a soul? Her spirit lives on in all of us. We all carry a spark in our hearts ignited by her enthusiasm for living. Thank you Mrs Deb Breitenbach for being the most amazing you possible, and for showing all of us how awesome life can be. I wish you a heaven full of books, and a chair on the beach in which to read them at your leisure.

dreaming wisdom

last night I had the strangest dream. I was a native american woman living in houses carved on cliffs with my tribe. There were 2 large ravens swooping and circling the cliffs. most of the tribe including myself viewed them as great protectors of our people. This one woman did not , she tried to raise her child to hate the ravens, but her child was friends with my children and I taught her to respect and love them. this so angered the woman she grabbed her bow and tried to kill the ravens. I followed and  saved her life when the ravens would have killed her I asked them to forgive instead her ignorance. as we were walking down from the raven's nest she asked me " Raven you always have hate and anger inside of you, how do you keep it from taking over? " my answer was " you focus on the love" . I woke up with tears on my cheeks. and a new lesson in my heart.

how the rain gods stole the moon

They gathered quietly in the dark, hearts beating ancient tribal rhythms.  Waiting with anticipation for the much feared and lauded Blood Moon to appear in the sky, heads tilted gazing at the black and quiet sky . But the rain gods were jealous of the Blood Moon , and conspired to keep her hidden . They gathered their clouds about her,  hiding her from the adoration below.  The people wondered what had they done , what thing so angered the Blood Moon that she would hide from those who loved her so. And then the rains came , and the people knew who was responsible for their disappointment. They shuffled sadly back into their homes, unable to bask in the chilling red light of the moon, they drifted back into slumber. The rain gods rejoiced and flooded the rivers . such is the way of the world.

BADASSERY

Engaging in seemingly impossible activities and achieving success in a manner that renders all onlookers completely awestruck.  I'm rocking badass every day. Thursday I hope you're wearing your big girl panties.

The Illuminatus Trilogy

The first time the Golden Apple is mentioned in the trilogy is in a pentagon ... The first time I read the trilogy was in the Pentagon ... Coincidence ??.... The universal Eye is crinkling its corners with laughter... Maybe Malaclypse knows ....

Some days

Some days I find it hard to get out of bed.  facing the next 8 hours is just too much.
some days I want to run away from all responsibility, take the yoke off my shoulders and find fun.
some days I want to come home and snuggle in your arms because the day has been too everything.
some days I am so tired of doing it alone I want you here to share the joys and sorrows.
some days I struggle to find my smile and paste it on my face, my heart just isn't in it .
some days i look at how far I have come and how far I have to go, and wonder, is it worth it
some days I am overwhelmed , It's all too much and I have to fight back tears.
some days what I want most in the world might as well be buried in a galaxy far far away.
some days I am drowning and there is no rescue and I can't find the energy to save myself.
some days I just want to quit everything.

but I get up , and some how I make it through each day. I struggle on. I only hope that someday all this waiting , all this work, this long road I am walking alone will lead to something so amazing I can look back and say...yeah I would do it all again.

good customer service...where oh where have you gone?

so today I went to the mall and stopped in the custom t's shop to get a minion shirt for my girls. I walked into the store and the clerk was on her cell phone. She did not even acknowledge she had a customer. I then asked her the price of the shirt, she looked annoyed and said "those are 10 dollars on clearance " and went back to her cell phone conversation. I picked out two shirts and while she was putting the decals she continued her phone conversation " I was in the hospital yeah I have stomach issues. I'm doing great here. I don't really have friends ...the people here are (looks at me) YOU KNOW.." and on and on . at the end of the transaction I said " when you have customers it would be polite to put your cell phone down and interact with them" she said in a very snarky tone " it's my aunt she has cancer" I said " ok but customer service is your job and you're not doing it" she gave me a look that could kill. so I went to the mall office and filed a complaint. There is no excuse for rudeness , and disrespecting the population shopping in your store is like shooting yourself in the foot. Good customer service brings repeat customers. Being a completely self absorbed snarky bitch does not.

feeling crafty

I have the urge to create , alas, I am not in possession of crafty materials....oh the downfalls of vacation. I need to make a portable sewing room .

end of an era

and so ends the 17th annual NYC tattoo Convention at Roseland Ballroom. a beautiful mix of people from all walks of life brought together through art. although they will hold the convention in another venue next year.... I will miss the history and nostalgia and character of the Roseland Ballroom. I have made some wonderful friends at the convention over the years.. some who I now consider family. some of the best people I know are tattooed and pierced with hearts of gold.

Photo by Jeni Ferguson

I really enjoy taking photographs. It's a relaxing way to explore my world. I like watching the way light plays on objects, watching people candid and free. interesting architectural shapes. shadows dancing . capturing the beauty and strength of nature. the desolate sadness of abandoned places. the pure joy of the human spirit. photography speaks to my creative soul and encourages me to really SEE the world. I am going to try to spend more time viewing the world through my lens.

destruction of deceit

I am always hurt to discover one whom I had thought trustworthy is not. Each time destroys a little of my faith in humanity. My relationship with that person is forever changed for I can no longer believe on faith what is said , and all past interactions are re-examined for darkness and deceit. Trust is such a simple and fragile thing , so long to build, so quickly destroyed. Even if one's home environment was not conducive to teaching honesty and integrity, it is something which can be learned . One can always rise above and be better, especially when shown by word and deed a more positive way to live.

do you ever wonder
how our lives would differ
if we let go of time

freed our mind
to follow the soul
into blissful wanderings