dreaming

cloaked in sadness falling gently through velvet

cloudy star-filled eternity world's drifting

through my visionary night dreams

endlessly suffering souls crying out for awakening

monotone living bringing greyscale melancholy

where is your true color soul song melody

lost in the madness of earthbound reality

thanksgiving

what an interesting holiday. shouldn't we celebrate family and give thanks for good things everyday. and really the original premise of the holiday is morally disgusting. i guess i wouldn't mind so much if we got away from the sugarcoated scenario that is forced upon our children in school of pilgrims and native americans sharing and celebrating together.

facade

Don't trust you with my thought heart soul song 

hide it deep down dark away

master mason working pain stone built

deep cavernous spaces storing beauty

cracked shattered locked tight doors

sealed securely hidden

you see a pretty face gypsy dancer

colors flashing freely joyous

smiles delightful

bubbling mirthful meaningless babble

safely superficial shielded

scrutinizing eyes perceive only

what they pre-conceive

you will never know ME.

strange silent anticipatory hush

fog drifts caressing earth to sky

feeling stirring...blood tingling

spine chilling...hair raising...CALM

breathing in dim semi dark

empty mindscapes building

energy coils predatory patience

hidden quietly slipping eerily

just beyond my eyes hearing 

what is this dementia fueled dreaming

wakeful fearlust shaking foundations

untrustworthy senses lost

what was known ..direction un-given

walk into white..drown in the sky

out of the nothing reaching straining

seeking to feed imaginations' fire

burning mind touch inspires insanity

birthing new vision shapes into the mist

random poem written by the river

words carry thought power arrows to her soul
unintentional wounding old scars barely healed
reveal carelessly tossed knives of truth breaking
the girl slowly crumbling apart perceptions her self
filtering through the ether of your vision mirror
reflecting strangely familiar pieces mistakenly
considered to be her whole being crying out
soundlessly for understanding

emotional riptides tearing down carefully constructed
walls of indifference glimpses of eternity glisten in her eyes
feeling expectation weighted sadness sift into heart spaces
once again hopeful wings broken bruised enclosing her
Self cocooned in awareness she contemplates letting go
of timeless egocentric delusions unreal thought forms
release their grasp dissolve into darkness she waits

entombed safe in the recesses of her mind transformed
inside out renewal forging fires of pain and sorrow create
strength deep in bone hallows rebuilding soul shattered
dreaming changing essential pieces the whole being
becoming present moment divinity emerging fully formed
goddess breathtaking beauty ready to take wing

Rocky Horror in NYC

so in honor of the 35th anniversary of Rocky Horror, we went to the theatre in Chelsea and watched what i must say is the best showing of Rocky Horror I've seen. 

veterans day

thinking today of all my brothers and sisters in arms 

all those who chose to put their lives in a holding pattern

to defend and protect freedom for everyone

thank you

spent the day in solitude rambling along the upper hudson river searching for something i can't define, to fill this empty space in my soul. breathtakingly beautiful destroyer serenely flowing without care , what is time to a river....

playing around by the river in the rain.

stuff and clutter

sticks and stones break my bones words cut deeper bleeding
wounds never heal all that's good in me seeping slowly
into bleakness empty despairing soulless zombie wandering
through this life of purgatorial bullshit rhetoric
bewildering , simply selfish mother fuckers pushing my
sanity threshold limits..boundaries bursting corrupting madness
flowing freely unleashing vengeful thought forms
just let go untwist the nightmare emotional
nuclear core meltdown expanding fetid fantasy
death dreams drowning , insanity steals hopeful breath
annihilating feeling ....release the maelstrom...
finally .....serenity....

november

it's a new witches year, I am remembering my grandmother, and great grandmother...two strong beautiful capable women who's blood runs in my veins. I have the power to create my reality, to spin my happiness from gossamer stars , and drift in the peace of the ages. dancing with the goddess on moonlit nights , I am She and She is ME entwined spiraling into eternity. blessed be.

blood moon ramblings

shadows dripping moonlight coalesce into memory
dancing water stark cold in your face re-calling
things hidden trapped secret mind caverns
festering innuendo boiling exploding into reality
wrestling demons angels self destructive time bomb
choices null in the void
trembling voice whispering no good words
knowing where hope lives lost in shadow dark
gasping grasping ephemeral smoke dreams
lost mother goddess river consciousness
streaming soul cleansing ripples shape shifting
thoughts past future tense create ME
present here shadow dripping moonlight memory

zombies

always remember no matter how nice, sweet , cute, funny, or less decayed they are ....they are still ZOMBIES!! You can befriend them just don't let your guard down. For if you do they will get what all Zombies want , and we all know how THAT scenario ends. ....I am the princess staring into the nothing...but zombies don't know my name...i fear my world is in great peril....

archimedes

this is archimedes. she was dropped off in the woods by a gas station in north creek and left to die by her previous owner a couple days ago. tonight she decided to jump in peter's car and come home with him. smart kitty!  she is now settling in happily in our home. she is beautiful and sweet and loves cuddles! we are so lucky that she chose us as her adopted family. <3

shifting patterns

i see a reflection of myself in all the things and people in my life. looking around , i am happy with who i am becoming. I am surrounding myself with beautiful souls and stuff that brings me joy. I have shed all the toxic mess of drama queens, attention whores, prevaricators,  and people only around when they want something from me. I am quite happy with my small circle of friends, as they are truly good people. I am breathing deeper and appreciating all the miracles everyday. taking time to slow down and savor the moments. and i have discovered i like having my own bedroom again. sleeping in my own bed alone is nice. no one snoring in my ear,  or stealing blankets....i think i could be quite content this way for a very long time. i am returning to my crafty peaceful self. thank you goddess for your guidance and the lessons recently learned . I am a strong confidant beautiful being and i can survive anything.

another day done

glad i started my day at the river , carried that peace through out my hectic day. work was crazy but fun. we had outings today so we traveled here and there. after work off to find bits and pieces for halloween costumes, food for the huskies, and then home. only to find i have to go back out to the health center with a case of strep throat. another day home from school for the bunny. busy but good. i am off to a hot bath and a good book, and then my comfy warm bed. tomorrow is another great adventure.

monday monday

Mondays are wonderful, you get to start a brand new week full of infinite possibilities. let your heart, your intuition guide you . Be wholly present in each moment of your day. Find those moments of joy, peace, sorrow...and embrace each one as a learning for your soul. I hope this week brings me all i need to grow .

No mirror ever became iron again; No bread ever became wheat; No ripened grape ever became sour fruit. Mature yourself and be secure from a change for the worse. Become the light. ~ Rumi


Each object, Each person, is a jar of delight ~ Rumi

woot woot!!

fantastic day! sarah came over with the boys, all the kids played Wii while i taught sarah to knit. was so nice to drink tea and chat with a friend. started my Malice in Wonderland costume. made the chemise, working on the underbust corset. gonna look sweet!! life is good when you're awesome :)

7 am

I love waking up early, when my world is still. enjoying the calm before the storm of the day . Sitting in my garden enjoying a cup of earl grey tea, savoring the peace of the moment.

running

I have never been so proud of my daughter. Even though she was tired and could have given up , she crossed the finish line. Pushing her body to it's limit, puking, but never breaking stride. She found her inner strength to push through to her goal. Wearing her vomit like a badge of courage and perseverance she gave her best . Her strength of spirit and determination will carry her further in life than just the finish line of a cross country race. I have no doubt she will reach her full potential and be an amazing human being. Reaching any goals she sets for herself with heart , courage, and spirit.

Serenity

Peaceful,serene beauty. Early morning fog dances with the river. Geese calling morning prayers through the mist

awesome-Medium.m4v

damn it's good to be me !

ok taking stock.. i am healthy fit attractive, have a nice home great kids a job i love some pretty nice friends and a man who loves me with all his heart....yeah it's good to be me :)

poetic justice

cynthia, it is so ironically funny that you , the queen of lies and deceit, are now crying because someone lied to you and hurt you and took advantage of you. how does it feel to be on the receiving end? you earned your karma accept it. the way i see it you lied to me for 8 months, running around with my husband behind my back, and lying to my face about how much my friendship meant to you...you have about 24 months of shit coming back at you according to the rule of three. i hope you learn something from it. put down the vodka and take responsibility for your life and your actions. accept it, own it, learn from it.

"A garden is a delight to the eye and a solace for the soul." -- Sadi

"There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"All my hurts my garden spade can heal."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

it is what it is...

people suck... being nice only allows people to walk all over your heart. friendship is highly overrated. I am so done being kind , being a friend...fuck it..what does it get me in the end, nothing but lies and betrayal..over and over....fuck em all..

spent last weekend in chicago..it was awesome watching my son graduate from navy bootcamp. and it was wonderful to spend time with him again. seeing the sights in chicago was cool...but nyc will always be my favorite city.

men pbbbbllllttt!!!

I think the problem with all my relationships in the past is that they were with men. i think men are genetically hard wired to cheat. no matter how much you do for them to make them happy, they always are looking to the next best thing. a pretty girl smiles and they salivate like pavlov's dog. they have no understanding or concept of trust, love, and commitment. all my life i have been used and lied to by males. and i know i bear some responsibility as i allowed it to happen. but no more.... i am so done busting my ass to make a man happy...

good friends

today i am thankful for the good people i have in my life. had a wonderful beach bbq yesterday. swimming in the lake, digging for fresh water mussels with our toes , and skipping them across the water. and the highlight of our evening..two mating dragonflies on my forehead..we had a feast fit for queens, and all the time in the world. laughter, and good conversation.. thanks Tami and Mark...

getting back to myself

spent my entire day in the sewing room. played hooky from all my responsibilities and worked on a quilt for my bed. felt good to immerse myself in creativity. lost in the flow of ideas becoming mini fabric masterpieces joined to a cohesive whole. and following a path back to my own heart...sloughing off the dead weight of anger and hate...and filling the spaces with a quiet peace created from following my bliss...

i wish the world could see her as she truly is

"This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly"...... too bad the person who made this their facebook status has no idea what honesty is. she uses her power to seduce other people's spouses..male and female...she uses her power to choose what she wants, and takes it..regardless of how it will make other people feel. or how much havoc she will wreak in their lives. ..she has no thought for anyone but herself...she has left a path of emotional destruction...she is selfish beyond reason, and lost in her alcoholic haze of madness. i truly pray that karma will give her exactly what she deserves.....this is the face of a prevaricating vodka infused narcissistic promiscous person.

Macy's fireworks in nyc..anticipation

escaping

came to NYC to clear my head of junk.
gonna relax, watch fireworks with my kids
and not think about anything
a mini mind vacation
:)

fresh look

taking a fresh look through tear washed eyes
i see clearly the our compatibility is questionable
we do not hold to the same values
we do not have similar goals
we are as different as night and day
i look at you now, and wonder
what was i thinking
i have evolved and changed
i am not the same person you married
and i am tired of forgiving you
for defiling the sanctity of our vows
i know you say
you are on the straight and narrow road
you are going to be a good husband
i say ..for how long
i think you are 12 years too late
i have no faith left in you
our bridge of trust has been destroyed
i don't think the phoenix can rise from these ashes
my river of tears has washed them all away

breathe

that's what i keep telling myself
just breathe, slow and deep
until the anger passes
until the rage subsides
until i no longer want to slam my fist into your lying face
today, i try to breathe
to let this betrayal flow into the river of the past
breathe
and find my balance again
breathe and find my inner peace
i am not this angry person
how can one change so much in 4 months
breathe
find myself again
lost in disillusionment
lost in a sea of pain
breathe
don't drown in this mess of emotion
breathe
just breathe

liar liar

this is the face of deceit. lips full of lies, eyes hiding her deceitful actions. she told me she was my friend, she told me she loved me like sister, then she had sexual relations with my husband, coming onto him like a hussy rubbing her boobs in is face and shoving her hands down his pants. and she lied for 8 months from june 2009- march 2010...she lied to my face. he should have walked away, but she manipulated him. and now she says he came on to her..liar...the whole town has seen the way you behave when you are drinking at the bar, throwing yourself at random guys.. i personally separated your face from three different guys at the black bear..and had to carry you to the car. my only wish is that everyone can see you for what you truly are..a lying deceitful home-wrecking whore.

Roses

From my garden

awake

a quiet wednesday morning. i watch the sun creep slowly up over the mountain. all is quiet and peaceful...except for fluffy the bunny, i can hear him re-arranging his cage. i am thinking today will be a good day to take the ninja to work. to feel the freedom and solitude , the joy of dipping low into the twisties....

just another day

today i woke up n a strange mood, feeling all shel silverstein , rain in my brain. traveled the garden , checked on the new blooms. went to work, left early. took my middle child to the airport to meet up with her dad. she is spending the summer in florida with the other half of her family. I am excited for her, but i will miss her terribly!! thank goodness for technology. she has a cell phone to send pics, texts, and call mom to say goodnite :)chillen at home now with a glass of red wine. just another day.

poke-o-moonshine

we hiked poke-o-moonshine mountain yesterday. actually had a nice afternoon. enjoyed the beauty of nature, and the cardio workout of climbing 1543 feet in 1.2 miles.

GRRRRRR!!!!!!

why do i even bother trying anymore!?!? i make plans with the husband to spend time together, and he either is too tired, or too lazy to follow through. he begged for a second chance, and does nothing to make our marriage better..yes, he is not fucking other women anymore, great..but he is doing nothing to work on us...we dont talk about anything deeper than who is picking up the kids or the groceries. we spend no time together, although i have tried to plan things with him... what is the point? why do i continue to torture myself , believing that things will work out...he doesn't work for anything in his life. and i am oh so tired of trying

In my garden I consult with Nature, lay the worries and tensions of the day neatly at the feet of the Mother, and then grow something beautiful in their place: a renewed sense of self and spirit.

friday morning

an hour of bodyflow..body feels better...heart is still heavy...time is magical...it heals all, albeit slow as hell...but then its only been 3 months since my world fell apart..i suppose i am doing fairly well considering....or at least i am creating a good illusion for the world to see....at night alone i shatter into a million pieces all over again...

today is gray

how does one let go of the past, how does one live through a great betrayal of trust?
i have no idea how to forgive or forget..i dont even know if i can....
the future is a gray haze of nothing....i am working hard at just getting through each day...some days are really good...some are just gray....i dont know anything anymore...

just gone

lost in a wilderness of emotion
no light to guide my way
blind , bruised, and battered
by your lies and deceit
all i thought i knew as true
is lost
trust and love trampled
ground to dust beneath
betrayal
how can i rebuild
what can be made from dust
grabbing handfuls
i watch sadly
as our life together
sifts through my fingers
carried away
by the winds of change.

becoming positive

May this day be blessed with gifts
Lessons, understanding and friends
May my energy be a gift to all I meet
Let me be centered, healing and open
May I face the day with courage
kindness, insight and compassion
May my spirit and body, honor this day

~abby willowroot~

drama free zone

I am slowly creating a drama free zone. removing those people from my life who are toxic people, liars, drama queens, etc. so why do they keep wanting to come back?!?!?!?! why can't they just go off on their own path and stop straying onto mine..there is a reason you are not making it into my future. honesty and integrity are my core values....if they are not yours walk on by....

thursday

body so sore from last two days..body combat and body pump really work..i can feel all my muscles today... but it is a good ache...had a good cuddle session with hubby last night while watching clean house...i do believe he is truly sorry that he hurt me, and he wants to have a good honest relationship with me. i am trying to work toward a future. baby steps..one day at time

rain

i truly love the rain. sounds so soothing on my rooftop..and washes everything clean...all the plants in my garden look greener and fresher after the rain..maybe i should go dance in the rain....

fairytale

once upon a time there was a man in love with a woman. he wrote her poetry, and made her his world. she felt loved and safe and happy. but somehow over their 12 years of marriage he drifted away..he began to crack the bonds of love and trust. one incident at a time, eroding all the good between them , until all that was left was hurt and anger and resentment....now the fairytale is over and their love is shattered..how do they find the pieces and make it whole again...where is the man she fell in love with...how do you build a future from the ashes..maybe i should ask the pheonix....

rambling

i am not a poet, although i have been known to spin a verse or two..i am not a great writer, just a maker of simple sentences. a woman lost in the hurt and anger and betrayal..trying to find a way back to my life. using this blog as a way to rant and rave and sort out the messy knot of feelings in my soul. it has been a little over a month since i found out the my best friend cynthia and my husband were fooling around behind my back..and lying to me since june of last year. and now looking back..all the signs were there..i just ignored them because i trusted them both..i feel like an idiot..some days i truly hate her...and some days i feel sorry for her..i tried to help her get back on track.. and this is how she pays me back. when i first met cynthia she was a great mom, wife , person...this last year and half has seen a fall into an alcoholic haze from which she can't see the destruction she has wrought in her own family and in mine...even after i found out with irrefutable written proof from her own hand..her response was .."why are you upset you only lost a husband..i am losing everything" and somehow she now believes that i ruined her life because i told her husband...she is the one who came onto my husband..kissing him and shoving her hand down his pants...she knew what she was doing..and how much this would hurt me..and as for my husband, he should have walked away..he should have told me the first time it happened...i dont know if i can ever trust him again. we are trying therapy..but i am just so hurt and angry..its hard to see the future right now.

good morning ..it's tuesday..working out with cheri today, a little body combat for the soul. then off to my real job. girls have play practice today and then karate for sarah. hopefully i will get some sewing done on john's tux for prom. therapy went well yesterday, i think we covered some good ground. hopefully peter was really listening and can bring some new things into our relationship. we need to find a new way of relating with each other because obviously the old way was not working. no crappy dreams about cynthia the lying whore last night ..but still didn't sleep well. i wish there was a delete button for real life so i could make her disappear.

just wondering

why would you buy me gifts to show your love, when i have said i don't want things. surprise me with a clean kitchen, or let me have the remote for the evening and watch my shows with me...help me with day to day stuff so i can relax with you..come find me and talk to me about your dreams..instead of me always seeking you out..show me in a thousand little ways that i am important to you...be honest with me..i would rather be hurt by the truth..than strung along with a lie. stand beside me when i need you.. and even when i don't...make me feel special with your words, touch , and actions...

monday

it's monday morning..strange surreal dreams last night..feeling a bit optimistic today. heading out to work, then counseling with the hubby, then home to work on the prom tux...trying to focus on being happy today.

how do i forgive someone who has lied to me, and hurt me deeply? how do i move on from betrayal by those closest to me? how can i learn to trust again? how do i let go of the anger and lust for revenge? some days i wish her the best, a stint in rehab for her drinking problem, and i hope she gets it all together for the sake of her family...and some days i hope she falls flat on her face and her marriage falls apart and she is left with nothing...she was my best friend, and she deliberately seduced my husband more than once, and he didn't have sense enough to walk away...and right now i hate them both...her most of all...and she is still lying ...to her self and others...and i am just trying to exist in a world that no longer makes sense.