Almost Christmas

It's been 14 years.. and still I miss her just as much . I miss her voice and her smell , and the way she always knew when i needed her...still need her....wish i could talk to her everyday. She is responsible in a huge way for who I am today.  I thought it was supposed to get easier over time, but every year when it's almost christmas my heart aches. I miss you Grammie.

river goddess

BodyPump today..reshaping my world...really want to go hiking this weekend...not sure if i will have time...two weeks till disney...trying to fit in my swim suit....

beautiful

strange days

today just feels weird..slightly out of phase...can't put my finger on it exactly but something is definitely out of whack.. like walking in a dream and the timing is slightly strange. twilight zonish even.

reflecting on recent events

so many thoughts whirring around in my brain, how to catch them... Facebook is blowing up with outrage over injustice...over the murder of one child..it was tragic and sad... and yet thousands of children die in wars every year and they are not mentioned....even here in the U.S. children  are killed, missing, abused every day ..yet there are no porch lights on for them...I understand the outrage, the feeling of wanting to make it better somehow...but how is posting on Facebook going to do that. We have become a ME society. selfish , narcissistic ... We throw away things we don't want , or that get in the way of our perceived happiness. We no longer have a sense of respect and community ...You really want to change things, to make sure that this doesn't continue to happen.. then teach your children a respect and reverence for all life, teach them love, teach them honesty, teach them courtesy...teach them to care for their neighbors, to help others when they can, teach them how to build community ..teach them to value resources... to take care of the things they have.. so when they grow up it will never be okay to just throw away, or kill, or do anything they have to for their own happiness.

5am thursday morning

 

                                   What strange breath blows eerie spine tickling nostalgia

                                     senses standing pikes ready guard against unknown 

                                       assault unseen energy tricks to memory eyesight 

                                          where is the soulstrong girl I used to know

reflect on your wisdom nature- exercise for day one

When have you felt deeply at home in your own skin....
I feel most comfortable in my own skin, most at peace, most centered and relaxed when i am doing things i love..gardening, sewing, riding my motorcycle, teaching yoga...at these times i feel connected and whole. grounded and hooked in to my deeper self. I don't think this connection ever leaves, but i think sometimes i forget it is there. In times of stress, and trauma and in daily life i forget i have this energy to ground into. life would be simpler if i could remember to rest in this deep calming energy ...remember to take moments to breathe and center. remember that regardless of the choices i have made , the life i have lived..that i have a spark of divinity in my heart . learning how to let it shine is my journey. learning how to carry calm joyful grounded energy always in my heart...being comfortable in my own skin when faced with uncomfortable situations. a knowing of my true self will provide strength to persevere no matter the obstacles in my path.

Everyday Dharma

so new adventure.. Everyday Dharma (seven weeks to finding the buddha within you)  by Lama Willa Miller... a daily journey to rediscovering what i've lost...and discovering who i can become. " step one of your spiritual journey is to discover that you have the potential to awaken your innate wisdom nature" so since the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...off i go on a wild self inspectionary adventure .....wish me luck

What do I want to be.....

what a simply difficult question. The easy answer is I want to be happy. The difficulty arises in learning how to let go of all those past hurts ...learning how to see events clearly in the present...rather than through the dingy gray filters of the past. how to keep  emotional scars from whispering painful memories into present moments. how to find the strength of spirit to continue living positively in the moment while trying not to be sucked into a black hole of negativity created by stress,guilt,loss,trauma,etc.....dancing each day to avoid that straw that you know will break your back can be very exhausting....how does one live happily ever after????

River

Her riversong draws my soul ever longing to sit eternity listening to her wisdom flow.

amazing song..one of my all time favorites.

thoughts on a touchy subject

so , Osama Bin Laden has been killed..and americans are dancing in the streets celebrating...the same way Iraqi people were celebrating the deaths of american soldiers...by dancing in the streets. and i think about how we as americans reacted to their celebration...and wonder about the hypocrisy of it all. I understand that sometimes, when all else fails decisions have to be made ..necessary evils.. and having been privy to top secret info while in the military and working for the dept of state...i understand why Osama needed to be neutralized. what i don't understand is the celebration of death..any death.. it is not something to joyfully dance and sing about.. it is a somber solemn thing that needed to be done. I think of Martin Luther King's words ‎"I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."  I know that some people will not agree with what I am saying..and that is ok.. at the end of the day I have to be able to look into the eyes of my children..the greatest mirrors of my soul..and be ok with what i see reflected there. I have tried very hard to raise compassionate , intelligent, beings who will look for other routes other than violence ...but they also know that there may come a time when it is their only option.. and I hope that if it comes to that choice that they understand the seriousness and solemnity of that decision... that it is not something to be made lightly nor is it something to celebrate. Buddha says "Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive" If we lose our humanity..then we are truly lost.. if we spiral into revenge and fear then there truly is no hope .  Will we learn anything from all this...Will we gain any understanding...I don't know the answer.. but my heart hopes that the world is listening, learning, and growing...and understanding that there is no future in violence. It ends badly for all involved. so if you need to feel grateful or happy that death has happened..then do it quietly ..with dignity..and with the understanding that there will be repercussions..and if we respond to them all with death..then eventually there will be no one left  . I personally am not rejoicing , I am not glad, I know it was necessary for the greater good...and I am saddened that our world is such that death is deemed necessary for peace....and I worry for the future..

mother nature

Over the past couple days I was treated to a spectacular reminder of the beauty and power of mother nature. The Upper Hudson River and Schroon River both reached record flood stages and standing at the edge of these rivers listening to the roar and tumble waters , feeling the spray misting my face, watching the raw power and speed .....I was awestruck . what does a river care for time, or things. A river just flows sometimes high, sometimes low...but always moving, changing, becoming. A river just is a river, awesome, beautiful, strong,and free....sometimes calm , sometimes raging...but always powerful..

my favorite time of day.....

hush, let the silence speak
 words filling souls
create peace, contentment
centered being spiral out
power of silent words

liquid sunshine

awoke to drum beats keeping time for the universe
thunder shaking me from my dreamsleep
lightening flashing seconds of enlightenment
fresh cleansing springtime smelling green
glorious liquid sunshine
singing blooms into being

Choices

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is a series of choices. Some major , who you're going to marry, what your career will be. Some seemingly minor, what to wear today, what to have for breakfast. It's those "minor" choices that move your life forward , stagnate you, or move you two steps back. Everyday we make thousands of choices, each one leading to the next set of decisions. Major choices set our goals and put our dreams into achievable context, minor choices ...that's how we reach those goals and dreams. All the things you do from brushing your hair to turning left instead of right...they all have an impact on your life.  You are the choices you make in each moment. They shape and define you. Your choices show the world your true soul. Ultimately you are responsible for the decisions you make. There is no blame game." I had no choice" is a cop out..there is always a choice ; not liking the options does not negate the choice, sometimes you do choose the lesser of two evils or refrain from making a that choice. to quote one of the greatest rock bands ever (Rush) "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

 You chose to be who you are today. If you are not happy with you..then you have the power to change that by making conscious choices that move you to the future you envision for yourself. Choose to be the best version of yourself. Choose to let your inner light be your guide. Choose to be happy. Choose to be...

"It is more than probable that I am not understood; but I fear, indeed, that it is in no manner possible to convey to the mind of the merely general reader, an adequate idea of that nervous intensity of interest with which, in my case, the powers of meditation (not to speak technically) busied and buried themselves, in the contemplation of even the most ordinary objects of the universe."

~Edgar Allan Poe~- from "Berenice

time difference

I am pretty sure my washing machine is on a different time/space continuum. It has a big glowing green 1 in the time window....but i have been sitting here for almost 14 minutes...waiting for it to say "clothes clean". or maybe it thinks it's funny to keep spinning away (probably chuckling to itself) while i wait...and wait...and wait...or... aliens do exist and they are experimenting on us humans and they messed with the time on our washers to watch our reactions....and i am almost positive they stole half my socks...or....there are sadistic little gremlins living in my washer and they delight in watching my level of frustration rise as i wait for my clothes to be done....how long is a minute...apparently waaaaay more than 60 seconds!!!!

together we are what we cant be alone

one person standing strong can make a small ripple....which gradually gathers power and momentum as it touches others....

many people standing strong make a tidal wave of change.

why is it so hard for people to put aside their differences and stand together for the greater good? if we have the same goals, why do we let our differing belief systems become a wall between us?

just imagine what could be accomplished if we could learn tolerance and cooperation on a global level.....

Awake.
Shake dreams from your hair
My pretty child, my sweet one.
Choose the day and choose the sign of your day
The day's divinity
First thing you see.
Choose they croon the Ancient Ones
The time has come again
Choose now, they croon
Beneath the moon
Beside an ancient lake
Enter again the sweet forest
Enter the hot dream
Come with us
Everything is broken up and dances.
Ooh great creator of being 
Grant us one more hour, 
To perform our art 
And perfect our lives. 

(jim morrison. from "the ghost song") 

so quiet and peaceful this am. taking a deep breath of solitude , enjoying the still joy of early morning. ruminating on last nights dreams. the muses were dancing delightful dropping diamond ideas and pearls of wisdom while i slumbered. now where to begin birthing these creations to reality....pulling thoughts from the ether transforming to beauty you hold in your hand ...i am an alchemist creatrix . 

what a day! worked 12 hours..but it was fun cuz i love my job :) and my sewing machine came home today!!! oh how i missed you!!! thanks Mom and Neal for getting her tuned up for me! runs like a dream!! and with the lcd screen fixed i don't have to count the beeps anymore. :) started a kilt for the school play..not a traditional pleated to the sett kilt, but a reasonable facsimile for costume. and I have several projects on tap.. tomorrow will be a day spent in creative joy in my sewing room interspersed with visits from friends.. how could a day get any better than that!!! <3<3<3

When you're on the right path the universe makes it easy...manifesting all the things you need to follow your dreams. kismet, coincidence, whatever you name it..things just flow together into a complete whole. I am creating the life I want, slowly each day taking steps to bring my dreams closer to real. It's sweet serendipity and my soul is dancing with delight. I thank Goddess/God for the love in my heart, the creativity in my brain, and the talent in my hands. I will not waste those gifts. the force is strong in this one :) moving forward with momentum . I am not waiting for opportunity to come knocking. I am creating my own opportunities.

so , upon deeper contemplation of the wizard of oz i have come to the conclusion that the wicked witch of the west got the short end of the stick....some out of town floozy drops a house on her sister and kills her, then makes off with her inheritance(the ruby slippers) and bad mouths her all over her hometown...I for one think the witch had every right to be upset ...and i think dorothy should be arrested for 2 counts of murder and theft of property...all we really have is the munchkins word that the witches were evil..and who knows what their political agenda is...just some food for thought.. sometimes it's good to put yourself in someone else's shoes and take a look at the world through their eyes...you might be surprised....

Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon for a "no gas day" ....are they even thinking about this. yes we are all angry with big corporations like the oil companies .. but one day of not buying gas is not even going to blip on their radar.. boycotts take months to have any effect.  and it's not just gas that oil is used for... plastic is petroleum based, so are most laundry and dish detergents.. so many things we buy every day somehow tied into oil. you want to make a difference , change your habits.  drive less, walk/bike more. carpool . use public transportation if possible.  plan all your errands for one area on the same day. when planning vacations or activities factor in driving distance. buy plant based cleaning products/detergents ( seventh generation/method) reduce your energy consumption. stop buying plastic bottled water, switch to a reusable water bottle ( Sigg/Kleen Kanteen) when purchasing a new vehicle go for a hybrid or fuel efficient model. turn down your heat by 2 or 3 degrees.  if we all think about our energy use and consumption habits and make small changes that will reduce the amount of oil needed/used and reduce our carbon footprint. We all bear some responsibility for the way things are . reduce/reuse/recycle...be responsible and make earth friendly choices everyday.

early morning hush, my favorite space of day
to crawl inside my mind , and let the muses play.......

 you can't go backwards in life, but you can always move forward from where you are. age truly does bring wisdom and insight to a heart that is open to receive. perspective .... looking at old hurts with new eyes...can bring understanding and healing.

well, it has been almost a year since "the great betrayal" , and looking back through the emotional black cloud I reflect on my journey over the last 365 days. I am not the same woman I was a year ago.  I have come to realize that life is about choices, and everyday when I wake up I have a choice to be happy, to keep an unquenchable light in my soul steady and strong. no matter what the day brings I am an island of peace( and some days it actually works) . Thank you Goddess for the opportunities to become stronger, to learn,  for my soul to progress. growth / change is never easy or pain free , but it is necessary. I alone have the power to make my life great. I have a deeper understanding of  tolerance, patience, and i am working toward forgiveness. not for them.. for myself, because i don't like the way angrybittervengeful feels in my soul.  I am still struggling with trust, one has to be willing to row a boat across an ocean  to get to my heart as all the bridges have been demolished by monsters....time may yet heal that too. I am a work in progress, focusing on each moment as it comes, enjoying the simple things and making them memorable. I still have the occasional slip into self pity, and there are still moments when i want to cry for what was lost, and yes there is still that small pocket of raging anger, but this too shall pass. sewing has kept me sane, channeling all that negative maelstrom energy into a positive creative force has been cathartic. getting lost in my art is a safe place feel , to let loose those energies, to find my center, my balance, my focus.and come back to the world refreshed and renewed.  recently the bad penny has resurfaced in surprising areas of my life. I am not sure how I feel about that. but i suppose at some point our paths would have to cross again , we do live in the same town. I choose to walk on higher ground. Karma is . and i am manifesting good things in my life . where i go from here is up to me. I am living my inner truth, helping others when i can, and trying to stay focused on all the positive things in my life.

early morning thoughts

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
  - Soren Kierkegaard

So true.. our society as a whole is a group of lemmings. hey lets all run off the end of a cliff....and the sad part is the few of us who see the cliff and stop running, we are the crazy ones.  everyone spouts rhetoric blindly repeating comfort words they have no concept of reality. believing the half truths being hand fed to them from people in power. automatic voting machines for the regime. sleep walking through their lives..somebody cut the strings.. wake them up...before the destruction is so profound humanity is extinct.

Oh! what a day!! started out spilling water on my pants just before work..and ended bathing my oldest husky because she had tummy troubles in her kennel....but  found some smiles in between. and made a yummy vegetarian black bean tortilla bake. and had some amazing tea...overall life is good.

strange dream

had the strangest dream....saw a flag green stipe clear middle with some kind of symbol and white stripe. then people running in a panic but they were outlines filled in with symbols all black and white...then darth maul's face floated up and he was grinning..then more panic people running and a tree frog covered in aboriginal designs sitting calmly while panic people run around behind him....then the alarm went off and i woke up .....



upon researching..the following countries have flags similar to the one in my dream..algeria and pakistan.

5:14 am wed morn

dark disturbing dreams. awake more than i slept. i hope this is not a precursor to my day . very queasy stomach/headache,   maybe it was the dreams. oh restful sleep why hast thou forsaken me?

6:22 tuesday morning

watching the news...makes me very sad...so much death and destruction... why?????....it seems that the world is descending into madness, one can only hope the survivors promote peace and cooperation to build a better life for all.
and this strife is not only global..it's local.. everyone i  know is having a stressful, crazy , murphy's law type year . where is this forceful energy of change coming from... this is no gentle change your ways wind... this is more like a smashing hammer of the universe destroying that which no longer works and pushing us to new ways of thinking. life is all about knowing when to hold on, and when to let go...and when we get confused about which to do..the universe /higher power/ goddess/god steps in and gives us a not so gentle nudge in the right direction. if only we could just relearn how to listen to that inner voice/ intuition...we could save ourselves a lot of grief.

inspired

is that our life purpose .. to inspire each other to make dreams reality... to say yes you can when they are thinking.. no i really can't. I think people accidentally inspire others every day in ways they never even realize....leading by example...just being yourself... and sometimes we are blessed to see how we have inspired others.. something as simple as taking the first step to a more fulfilling life....or finding the courage to explore who you are..what or who inspires you? where are your dreams leading you? do you dare to go?   what's holding you back.....to know/to will/to dare...to quote that popular shoe manufacturer....JUST DO IT!!

5:55 am.

early morning moonshine glows snow covered hills, otherworldly atmosphere ..dream walking surrounded by the absence of sound. breathlessly waiting for the unknowable , the unnamed....She brings the light of ageless wisdom dancing moonshine to my soul.

deeja's birthday present

spent the day int he sewing room creating Deeja's new wool coat!! she loves it!!! <3 and i had a great day making it!! epic win/win

sunday morning over easy

lazy morning ..actually slept until 730 !! going to do some creative therapy in the sewing room. to 100.3 the points acoustic morning jams. life is good today.

whew!!

spent the morning doing college stuffs with my son. and the last 7 hours sewing costumes for the school play. made 5 80's style mini skirts, 4 with hand pleated ruffles . had the tunes cranked up in the sewing room and got lost in the creative process.  I really love turning fabric into beautiful wearable art. and i must say... i love spending the day in my sewing room...re-directing negative energy into positive creative flow ..now off to take a nice hot bath and then knitting until bedtime.

5:18 am

strange zephyr banshee howls raging through the night. bending shaping forming new worlds to her will. screaming through treetops , rattling souls, WAKE UP !  eclectic energy crackles spontaneous imagination,  
shaking up moon beams dancing dervishes in my heart

unexpected beauty

if you have the eyes to see...

destiny

do we make our own destiny , do our choices in life create the path we follow....or is our life a pre-ordained sequence of events that we are programmed to follow...do we really have free will, can we change the future...or are we on a preset course of soul learning put in motion before we were born?

tea

"the first sip is joy, the second is gladness, the third is serenity, the fourth is madness, the fifth is ecstasy.” jack kerouac

tea and love have a lot of similarities...

present moment

my goal for today is to stay present in each moment. to live each minute with compassion , for my self and others. to keep that calm inner light glowing and not let it be overshadowed by negative emotion. wish me luck :)

clarity

in the quiet of the pre-dawn morning when all is peace, the mind finds clear pathways to walk and ruminate. before the clutter of daily life submerges thoughts under the weight of just getting through the day. i wander the road ahead and wonder if this path i chose will lead to joy or sorrow, and i realize it doesn't matter. as long as i can find my inner light, i will carry on through it all. learning life lessons, gaining wisdom for my soul.

waves

loneliness crashes down upon my soul.. waves and waves of melancholy ...definitely not feeling the joy of this love soaked holiday. bleah!!!

poem for today.....

Hope     

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

Walt Whitman Re-examine all you have been told . . . Dismiss what insults your Soul.

re-examining all i thought was true and certain. searching for a safe haven from a storm of emotions that have shaken my foundation. unintentional wounding opening old scars.  all i once believed in crumbles to dust .. mixed with tears creates mortar for new walls ....I am not the world that sustains you .. that keeps you on the path to living...I am a small moon orbiting your reality ....is that an insult to my soul.....

insignificant

there are worlds in a grain of sand...i am not a grain of sand. there are no worlds in me for anyone.

a very merry un-birthday

today I am 38 years old.

someday never comes

Alice's Tea Cup

The most amazing un-birthday breakfast ever!! so very yummy. and some much needed joy! I really enjoyed my visit here, highly recommend this to anyone visiting NYC.

random musings

understanding does not bring peace.  sometimes the universe steers you in directions you don't want to go.
sometimes forever isn't. love is all you need, but you don't always get what you need.. on the outside looking in is not a fun place to be. sometimes no matter how hard you try, life is not what you make it...things happen to steer you down a path not of your own choosing...fighting the winds of change is exhausting and futile..

was playing in my head when i woke up this morning

ramblings

time heals all wounds it's true, but what the sages failed to mention is that in the healing changes are wrought. when people step through the black hole of tragedy they are not the same when they arrive on the other side. perceptions of the world filtered through new vision. priorities re-arranged ,what once was deemed important now relegated to the dusty shelves of memory. relationships changed some made better /stronger ..some lost along the way. it's like each person involved is reborn through their pain and new pathways to their future are laid before them. and things once cherished fall away as their focus changes by necessity to adjust to the new way of life. Tragedies leave scars both seen and unseen. I think it's the unseen ones that are the hardest to learn to live with.....

miracle

today visited the ruins...so many things lost...but the most important was saved...and it is truly a miracle .

dancing the light

in that darkest hour before the sun takes it's first breath, we dance the light,  calling forth a bright beam of hope from the deep despairing abyss....dance the spiral goddess dream, healing the whole...

time

changes everything...ushering in new ways of being...leaving behind once loved dreams...each new day brings challenges ,joys ,sorrows...that re-work my soul.  who will I be tomorrow...who will be there with me dancing darkness to light ?

Future ?

I wish I could see what the future holds....swimming in a sea of uncertainty....and if I try to touch down I may drown.

suddenly i see

understanding can come like a freight train through your mind. sinking truth into your soul. the beetles got it right..Let It Be...there will be an answer.

direction unknown

I am standing at the crossroads of tragedy and i don't know where to go from here. what is best? how the hell do I know I am only human and not privy to the "plan" . do I have the strength to pull them all up this ladder of hope? how does healing begin? how do we get past the anger and the blame? this nightmare will haunt us all for possibly a lifetime.....where is my golden compass to help me find the way?

seconds

life changes..less than 90 seconds...and your world is flipped on its axis...another 90 seconds could've spelled complete disaster....everything you think you know...means nothing...there are no words...just enormous feelings...and a wish to take away all the pain....and anger at the unfairness of the twisty turns of life...and raging at a universe that allows innocents to suffer...life reduced to minutes/numbers/ tests...an hourly struggle to stay positive and find small handles of hope to cling to...standing by helplessly as loved ones suffer grief, blame, anger, frustration....goddess grant me the courage and the strength to be a rock in this storm ..goddess grant me the wisdom and the words to know the right path....let my heart be a guiding light and my hands a healing touch..

wtf

why do tragically bad things happen to good people? what could a twelve year old boy have done to deserve to be burned in house fire ? how could any god/goddess allow that to happen? yeah i know there is this great big plan for everyone, and we all have a path to follow...but how does this make sense ? and how do we pray to this god/goddess to heal and help this boy , when they could have prevented the whole thing? life is not fair and parents should not have to go through this anguish and a child should not have to suffer so much pain.

belly laughs

not only are they good for the abs..they are good for the soul. so much joy and laughter today , lots of silly humor and three stooges goofies. I really love my job. i work with some amazing people. <3

snow day

looks like the kiddies get an extra day off this week as we are in  the grip of a nor'easter. did bodyflow 51 this am..great release feeling amazing today. loving this life and the people i share my heart with. off to enjoy a surprise breakfast courtesy of my beautiful daughter Deeja. life is good :)

sock hop

so they are having a sock hop at the school on saturday...soooo tomorrow i am off to the fabric store to design a poodle skirt punk rock style :) woot woot!!!

knitting frenzy

spent the first days of the new year knitting, hats galore!!