re-setting focus

over the last few years I have lost sight of what should be my most important goal. I made choices that did not align with my main objective. first and foremost I am MOM . My main job is being there for my kids and making sure they are healthy and happy. everything else is secondary, at least until they graduate. It was recently pointed out to me, that my oldest daughter really needed me to be more of a presence in her life. and the person who pointed this out was right, and had i not lost my focus I would have realized this on my own. yes, they are teenagers, but this is a time in life when they need guidance the most. when they need their mom. I made this deal when i gave birth to be 100 percent a parent. and lately I have been only 50 to 80 percent parent. so my goal is to get back to 100 percent mom.

blessing

counting my blessings today. I am grateful for all my children, the ones I carried in my belly, and the ones I carried in my heart. I am grateful for my love, my light shines brighter boosted by his spirit. I am grateful for my family, I know they always have my back. I am grateful for my friends, who always seem to know when I need a smile. I am grateful for my quirky home that lately is always full of noise and laughter. My life is awesome mainly due to the fact that I have an amazing assortment of people uplifting my soul in so many little ways everyday. ♥ Life is not about how much you have. My life is rich with soul connections. I have met the most amazing people on my journey. Some have taught me hard lessons, I am grateful for those too for they have helped polish my soul . I am who I am today because of the people that have been a part of my life. 

Feeling thankful for joys and sorrows.

thoughts on marriage

"do you think marriage should be between a man and a woman?" I don't understand this question. It's akin to asking if the moon should be pink or blue, completely irrelevant. Marriage is a celebration of love between two souls both of whom choose to share memories , laughter, and sorrows until they pass from this earth. Two souls who lift each other up , provide each other with comfort , and make each other feel like they are the most important person in the world. Laughing, crying, and living every moment of their lives . Knowing that there is one person who always has your back. Humans were made to love each other, we need that deeper connection for good soul health. When you love someone   you love who they are, gender is not important. Imagine your boyfriend, all the things you love about him, smiles, kindness etc....now imagine all those qualities you love in a womans' body... If you say you would no longer be in love with this person then you don't love him for who he is ...you love him for his penis.

why I no longer look forward to Americade

I love the sound of motorcycles, the feel of the wind in my hair, the freedom of the ride. I enjoy talking to folks who also ride. I used to love americade. Meeting bikers form all over the us and canada who come to the adirondacks to ride and enjoy the scenery. For the most part these folks are kind and courteous. They respect the people who live here , and bring much needed revenue to the local businesses. The last couple years has seen an increase in the asshole contingent. People who have no common courtesy , they drink and drive their bikes at high speeds through our towns. Endangering not only their own lives , but the lives of our children. Last night I group of these assholes decided to rev their engines scream and holler and drag race down main street after 10 pm. Seriously top speed through the main street of town. Idiots! Do what the rest of us do, find a 1/4 mile in the sticks where only the cows will be disturbed. Reckless, inconsiderate , immature jerks who are making a bad name for americade riders, pack your shit and go home. I promise if you hit one of my kids I will end you. If you continue to behave in this manner I will turn you in to the cops , or shoot your tires out. It all depends on my mood( I am PMSing this week it's not looking good for you)

getting on my soapbox.

Recently A beautiful young teenage girl tried to commit suicide. She was being bullied in school. told she was fat, ugly, no one could love her, etc. She has an eating disorder and low self esteem because other people think she needs to look a certain way. I hate that kids are being raised with no respect for others, no compassion. The fact that these kids think it's ok to treat another human being this way and convince them they are worthless, really pisses me off. What the hell is wrong with their parents ! ? I am not a big promoter of violence, but some people need their brains rattled. This girl is intelligent, funny, and beautiful. It breaks my heart to see such potential beaten down by ignorance. And after all this, these bullies are still talking shit about her. I am so disgusted with the direction the human race seems to be taking..stop with all the me me me shit. stop treating people like expendable trinkets.As parents we need to teach compassion and kindness. and here's a thought if your kid is doing the bullying give them consequences to their actions. as a parent if you allow your child to treat people like shit you are just as responsible for the results . as a society we need to rethink beauty. stop telling our children through media that they are not good enough. stop telling them if they don't look a certain way that they don't matter. basically stop being dicks.

A Sunday well spent

Started new gardens . I miss my garden at the old house, but I am excited to redesign my back yard. Possibilities......endless

I just can't comprehend people sometimes.

My ex husbands behavior is so foreign to me.  He tells folks I am keeping his daughter from him, yet he won't call me to schedule parenting time. When , by some miracle, I can get a hold of him he says he is too busy and has no money so he can't pick her up. He doesn't understand that she doesn't want money or to go places where you have to spend money. She just wants quality time hanging out with her dad. There are so many free things to do, take a walk/hike, play one on one basketball , watch movies at his home. The next morning we see photos of him and his girlfriends' boys hiking, hanging out, etc. He calls to ask her to when her games are , and then never shows up. What could be more important than being there for your child? He has no job so his excuse that he has no time is a load of bullshit. Then he has the nerve to call my Fiance and ask him if he can get sports autographs for his girlfriends kids and asks him to be a reference on his resume. Seriously, he got fired a year ago for shoplifting from a store he was working in, he doesn't help support his daughter, there are rumors he is hanging out with jailbait.....what kind of reference does he think he will get?
When it comes to bad decision making my Ex is clearly the king.What angers me the most is watching my daughter hurt due to his poor choices. There is nothing I can do to make this better. I am so glad that my Fiance is in her life. He is a strong , kind, compassionate role model for her, and he supports her emotionally and monetarily. I hope some day her biological father gets his shit together. I am not getting my hopes up. I have known him for 15 years and he hasn't made any effort to become a better human being. I absolutely hate it when my children are being hurt , especially when it would be so easy to make her smile. aaarrgggh!!

clearing house

So, due to all the weirdness and strange energy in my home I called in NEPS( North East Paranormal Society) to check things out. They set up cameras and the main activity areas, and brought in a medium who was told nothing about the house. She was able to pick up all the entities I knew were here and give me more information about them. She knew about the woman and child in my daughters room, the man in my sewing room ,and the sad lady in my bedroom .( I was told about the spirits from different friends who visited my house who don't know each other and were not told the house was haunted) She cleared the house by asking angels to come and escort the earthbound entities to heaven , and then placed protective energy around the house to keep other entities from attaching to the house. I am a spiritual person, but I am also analytical and question all I see and hear. I believe she did remove something from this house. The whole house feels lighter. I used to walk into my sewing room and I would want to leave the room, the air was denser and it felt like it was closing up your lungs. This morning that room is brighter and it feels bigger. The other areas that felt "funny" are also brighter and don't give me goosebumps anymore. Whether there is a heaven or a god, I don't know. I think there are things in this world that we can't explain. I do know that there is a different energy in my house this morning and it feels safe and serene. I can't say for certain what was here, but i can say that it's not here anymore.

moon

photo by Jeni Ferguson

moon glow serenity
hiding secrets
calling my soul
lighting pathways
through darkened dreams
i breathe you in

calvary cemetary

Calvary Cemetary NYC
photo by Jeni Ferguson

I spent last weekend in NYC, wandering the Calvary Cemetary. It is the first cemetary I have been in that actually felt like sacred ground. When you enter the gates , the noises of the city seem hushed. I could feel the quiet serenity surround me with a melancholy cloak of peace. Wandering the stones , reading the stories of lives long past, soaking in the beauty and artistry of the stones.

wondering at the humanity inscribed in marble. One could believe in miracles in this space. stepping outside time, a feeling of infinity.

and sadness at the neglect of ancestors' rest, families long forgotten, their descendants not knowing or caring from whence their blood was born. as I travelled deeper into the sanctuary I could almost believe that vampires roamed the grounds

artistic castles built to house souls who never see. still wondering what the heavy chains and padlocks are keeping inside......

Hauntings

Last night Sarah told me she has seen one of the spirits who share the house with us. Very casually she says "mom, I have seen the man", "he stands in my bedroom doorway , but only when the door is open".
 "oh", I said. "what does he do?"
"nothing" she answered. " he just stands there in the low light"

apparently she only sees him at dawn or dusk and she doesn't feel threatened or afraid in any way.

I wonder if that used to be his kids room. maybe he is checking on her .

the little boy spirit tugs my clothing sometimes, like he's trying to get my attention. It's interesting living with spirits.

Previous inhabitants of this house have had bad experiences here. According to my friend who sees/feels spirits they like us. They like the love and laughter we bring here.

i love my bathroom.

yesterday morning I woke up , went to the bathroom , walked the dog, and made tea just like I do every other morning. I sat down to take a sip of tea and that's when things went very wrong. My stomach said oh hell no! and I spent the next 30 minutes dry heaving in the bathroom. After snuggling the cool porcelain for an interminable length of time , I finally felt steady enough to stand. I made it to the kitchen before the next wave of nausea struck and I wash rushing back to my new best friend. I again hugged my porcelain paramour for what seemed like forever , but was in reality probably 20 min. I forced my self to get up and wake  the kids up for school, and then returned to the bathroom for go round number 3, which is when I did something that I never do. I took a sick day and stayed home. I am wise enough to know that if my belly rebels every time I move around, then I will be no good at work. I absolutely hate calling in sick, I feel I have a responsibility to live up to my end of the bargain. So, I snuggled in my recliner and dozed in between bathroom visits. by mid afternoon the worst of the nausea had passed and we were on to watery bowels. In hindsight, I suppose that is a good sign , as it means the bug was working it's way out; or possibly my butt was jealous of my belly's relationship to the porcelain goddess. Either way by about 730pm I was ready to try food , a little chicken soup. My gut clenched and generally made it's unhappiness known, but I managed to keep the food down.

Fast forward to this a.m. , I am feeling much better. A bit of a headache from not getting enough fluids, but I am hydrating as I type. I am a little tired, my stomach is still not 100 % happy but at least it is keeping tea down this morning. I am thankful for this. As for the bowels, I think they are getting back to normal, although I think I can out gas Pumba right now.  I can say I never want to go through that again. I absolutely hate vomiting, and being sick in general.

the energy is changing.

Walking the dog at 5a.m.,the entire town is sleepy quiet peace. I can feel the hint of Spring in the air , despite the recent snow. Green scent wafting on the breeze tickling memories of budding beginnings. Change is coming. Cell memory rejoices at the first twinges of renewal. Excitement for gardens and growing things stirring in my heart. Leaving the dark moon womb of winter and waking into the greening time. I love the change of seasons most of all.

Quiet snow covered street

This is the street where I live. Quiet in the early morning snow. Hushed footfalls as I make my way around the block. Serene. peaceful. beautiful. I love this time of day.

Adventures in renovation or how I learned to love bunnies.

So, I had a few friends over sunday , who are handy type folks. They had generously agreed to help me remove the old shower, and install a new shower in my 160 year old home. Simple . right?
Well ..no , our first issue the old shower ( corner unit) was not installed properly plumbing leaked , and surprise! surprise! mold on the floor and wall . We broke out the bleach and some high hiding primer , settled that. next marking out the new shower (alcove unit) and building a support wall .

Our first obstacle moving the light switch and the outlet so we can build the support wall, that's when we discovered a live outlet on the wall behind the second wall the previous owner's built for the shower, and instead of wire nuts..the wires were soldered together and covered in electrical tape..which we discovered as we were pulling it off was starting to melt. we disconnected the random outlet and made sure the wires had no power and continued on our way. while putting up the wall , we discovered we had to move the light attached to a lath and plaster ceiling...you can imagine how that went ( this is where my handy man type friend began to recite his mantra..i love bunnies) I now have a rabbit hole in the ceiling , but since the bathroom is wonderland I will make it work. 

light moved..wall built..outlet and switch properly wired in new wall. lets cut a hole for the drain...oh wait it's right next to a floor joist ...somehow by miracle or sheer force of will he made it work. ( i think it's because he loves bunnies) base is installed.. now for the walls. let's mark and drill a hole for the faucet handle...so far so good.. try to put it all together ...new shower is farther out form the wall than the old shower...take the side wall out... cut hole in plywood to look at plumbing( beautifully done, and correct...unlike the wiring) we were able to move it forward enough to put a piece of 2x4 behind it thus creating the wiggle room we needed to attach the handle. and tada!! I have a shower.

This whole process took almost nine hours. the only easy part was reconnecting the drain in the basement. 

we still have to do the cosmetic stuff.. like sheetrock , trim , etc.. but I have a working shower and a properly wired light and outlet. and a new mantra for unexpected issues( i love bunnies) 

I am thankful for good friends (my handy man's wife is amazing ) and fun and interesting renovations. I am sure we will all love bunnies again as I have several more projects before the house is complete.

dream messages

So over the last year I have had the same dream about 6-7 times.  I am in my grandparents house( the one they lived in when I was a child) andI am searching for something. I feel an urgent need to find the item , but I have no idea what IT is. Each time I am in a different room . The house is in very poor condition, floors caving in etc. My mother's brothers and sisters keep interrupting me and telling me I have no right to search. It is very strange , but I get the feeling that my grandmother really wants me to find IT. It's all very weird and disconcerting; when I wake up I want to drive there and search the house, but it is not in the family anymore. wondering what it all means.

blessed.

today I am 40 years old. what an awesome age . old enough to get away with being a little weird, young enough to enjoy the freedom. and , bonus, I am 15 years cancer free. so thanks universe for all the many blessings in my life. I have had some pretty amazing experiences. travelled, met some really cool folks, living my dreams into reality. my cup is full . i am happy. i have amazing people in my life. I am not where I saw myself through my child eyes, but I am following the path created for me. here's to may more years of awesome :)

morning musings

Up at 530 am. Shoveled snow for 30 minutes . came inside and had a nice cup of tea. listening to the sound of 3 teens getting ready for school. normal everyday stuff, but extraordinarily beautiful. the rhythms of daily life moving me through the day. simple, comforting, and familiar. I have three spirits in my house. A friend who "sees" told me what he knew about them. There is a young boy who passed of possibly small pox, he is the one who is in my cupboards rattling the pots. There is an older woman, she is the boy's mother, I have heard her laughing. Then there is a man who is not related to the other two, I hear his footsteps walking through the house in the early morning. according to my friend they are happy we are living here, they like the family. I guess that's why we have not had as much trouble as the previous folks who lived here. I would like to research the history of the house. It's on my to-do list. I need to get an idea book, so I can jot down all the things that float through my brain. So many projects and so little time to devote to them. I carve out hours each day to do things I enjoy, It's important to have moments of happiness and relaxation. The chores and work can wait .

ramble complete.

random thoughts

photo by Jeni Ferguson. Hudson River North Creek NY

I love the quiet hours of contemplation
sipping tea and marinating thoughts
designing dreams in my head space

what you need/ask for the universe obliges
maybe not your idea of things
but serendipitous things

where you focus your mind/energy
thoughts develop into reality
changing the landscape of life

we are far more powerful
than we believe

messages

woke up this morning and felt energized. cleaned , scrubbed, mopped the entire kitchen. All the while contemplating the conversation I had with my teen daughter the previous evening. She is angry and sad that our life has changed. Even though she loves the new house and understands why we had to leave the old one....She still longs for her "Home" where she took her first steps and said her first words . She misses the large yard and the tire swing. How can I fill that void here and make this feel more like home...I pondered all this while cleaning. I then decided to bake. I made banana bread because the bananas needed to be used. When I picked up the recipe book ...a card fell out...my great grandmother's  doughnut recipe. I remember as a child that yummy goodness , racing to the kitchen to be the first one to try the new batch. just the smell of them cooking made me smile. I remember on halloween , all the kids in the neighborhood wanted Nannie's doughnuts. I used to make them when the girls were small, and they would smile when they smelled them cooking. I have not made them in about 4 years, It's hard to bake love when you are sad and lost. So I began to mix a batch...and the kids could smell them cooking....and they raced to the kitchen to be the first one to try the new batch....and the smiles on their faces ...yeah i know that feeling...love, home, memories, all in a bite flooding through the brain creating happiness. Nannie's doughnuts may not be the answer to everything, but I think it was a good start to making "Home" right here in our hearts. Thanks Nannie for the reminder that it is the small things we do that make a big difference in the lives of those we love.

living

It is so strange the difference I feel living in my new home. I actually want to be home . I love the energy , warmth, and love that is filling this space. I sleep so peacefully here, no waking up 3 or 4 times a night to footsteps on the stairs or pacing by my bedroom door. It is amazing how the absence of one person makes my whole life better. I feel lighter, happier. I did not realize how malignant and oppressive my old living situation was until I left. I did not realize how all that negative energy was effecting me. Looking back, I can only wonder how I survived always being on guard, stressed, and cautious every moment of every day in that house. Life is so much more alive here. I have emerged from a cocoon of despair and entered oz. colors are more vibrant, laughter more infectious, my soul more serene. some days it still feels like a dream, the dream of freedom I have had for the last four years. I am amazed every day that I was able to make it happen. I was able to take my idea of what i wanted in life and make it a tangible reality. I heartily thank the universe for all the little miracles that had to occur for this dream to be. life is good.